Know Your Role... and the Rules.

While in discussion with others, I learned that we tend to have similar roles as a member of the family.

The Peacekeeper: The one in the household who seeks peace in the family. They desire no conflict among the family. I like to think of them as the superhero of the family. Whenever conflict is present, they are present to calm the conflict down and present a solution that brings peace. Family members may tend to seek advice from the peacemaker regarding even the littlest conflict present in the family.

The Leader is the one that takes control in the group. This can be direct or indirect. For example, let’s say there is a decision to be made between you and your siblings. If they tend to always rely on you for the answer to the decision, you most likely are the leader of the group.

The Gatekeeper: The one who connects the family together. This can occur in a variety of scenarios. One commonly scenario is when a child is the connection between the mom’s side of the family and the dad’s side of the family. This child is what connects the two families due to their relationship in both families. They make both sides of the family feel comfortable and happy with each other.

Which one are you!? Are you a combination of a few?

Boundaries also play a role in the relationship of the family. You could compare boundaries to the boundaries of a house. Open boundaries invite all to visit. There are no limitations of access to the house. Closed boundaries are confidential and invite no one to the house. There is no access or interaction between the neighbors and residents of the house. All should seek clear boundaries. This contains a balance between the two. All are welcome; however, a set of rules are established.

To make a relationship work, and eventually a marriage, you must recognize several theories. This includes:

Exchange Theory: A balance between giving and taking. In a relationship, one desires a large take. A small take will affect the relationship. A balance between the two is preferred.

Symbolic Interaction Theory: When communication is given by various signals excluding dialogue. This can be through a variety of signals. Such signals may include sighing, crossing of the arms, rolling eyes, and much more.

Spoken rules play a special role in the relationship between members of the family. Some encourage behavior while others avoid it. Some rules established in a family may be to finish your homework after coming home from school. It may be to do all of your chores before dinner time. These rules are usually established by the parents of the family. There are, however, rules that have been established unknowingly by all members of the family. These set of rules are known as unspoken rules.

Unspoken rules help establish the behavior of family members unknowingly. Like spoken rules, they too encourage or discourage behavior between the family members. There are a variety of unspoken rules that have been created. One unspoken rule may be to always serve the eldest member of the table. Another unspoken rule may be to always end the day with a family prayer.

If any of these rules were to be broken, you would find the consequences to range in severity. You may be seen as disrespectful, strange, or more. It really depends on what how important the rule is to the other family members.

You may be surprised to find that members of various families share a selection of both spoken and unspoken rules. What are some rules in your family?